I'm still struggling to understand my own thoughts, so communicating this isn't easy...I'll have a go: If you're going through a really tough time, and people say 'stay positive', 'don't give up hope', 'have faith', well...what if you don't have faith and never have? Where do you find that resource from? How does an atheist/agnostic keep the faith? How does a rationalist find the magic? Rationalists believe in reality, protons, neutrons and particles, but the further you delve into the sub atomic level of all things, the more renegade, sporadic, alien and less like reality everything appears. You may as well be Paul Daniels. Gandalf. Afterall, reality is only a perception of reality. But I guess if you're a rationalist you'll have already rationalised this point and will be a rational magician.
|Paul Daniels. Naked.|
Nature? I live in the countryside, my partner, a farmer, breeds sheep. I respect nature with every inch of my being. Nature takes risks, it has had billions of years to make it's mistakes, take chances, relies on serendipity, coincidence and trial and error to create it's masterpieces, it continuously evolves moving towards an infinite something/nothingness. Nature could easily be the personification of a goddess in creation terms, (and one could argue always has been) but nature has a seemingly capricious tendency to do whatever the hell it wants! It serves no man or woman! I can respect it, but the rationalist in me knows I can't trust it.
In people? Shaky ground. I don't think it's healthy to project onto one person, or a group of people, to put belief and trust in them, lay your dreams at their feet- it's a hefty burden for anyone to carry. Conversely, people can and will believe ANYTHING. So there's a twisted power/abuse thing waiting to happen. The blind person goes- 'I believe that you will heal me...' and the other person goes 'I believe that you believe I can heal you...so maybe I can heal you...maybe I'm a healer!' I mean, you don't want to end up on a cross. Hmm. So if I can't look for hope from a god, goddess, nature, other people...where can I look?
Me? Yeah, I could do that. I can ask myself, 'what use is hope?'
Hope keeps us going. Without it, we grapple with acceptance, and that's a whole other blog. 'What does hope look like, how does it feel'? I have experienced hope, I can remember what it felt like...it wasn't a warm place to be, it wasn't a happy place, pretty dim really...it wasn't a desolate place though. All mystery and beauty...there were shapes and colours... and a long journey...I could see something in the distance...
|'Before the Light', preparatory sketch, coloured pencil on paper, Rhea Sherriff- Hammond 2014.|
"I've been out here now for some days, groping my way along, trying to realize my vision. I was concentrating so hard on the vision, I lost sight. Come to find out that it's not the vision, it's not the vision at all. It's the groping. It's the groping, it's the yearning, it's the moving forward...as Kirkegaard said so well, 'the self is only that which it is in the process of becoming.' Art, same thing."
Life, same thing. And what do I see? Light. The thing that got us from the 'primordial slime' to here. Not the Sun though, the Sun is too big, devouring- I mean light like the stars. Yes, like that one that you see at the end of the tunnel. And the same one you used to look for as a kid at bedtime, under the door. The glimmer of hope, the yang in the yin, the afterglows, fireflies, fairy lights, the L. E. Ds on T. Vs, the sparkles in spider's webs and worlds created in dew drops. I can see them and that's where I'm heading.
That's what I believe in. Sparks. And when they happen, everything can change.